god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I smell stomach acid.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
