I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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