I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
