Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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