and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
