And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
