ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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