There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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