whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
