Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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