How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
