the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
