wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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