This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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