So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
