Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
