Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
