Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
