I'm laying in your front yard are you home
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
