Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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