i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
