The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
