btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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