oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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