so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
