it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
