feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
