So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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