How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
