he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
