and my herpes radar will keep us safe
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
the raccoons are back...
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