There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
