im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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