I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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