Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
