i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
