apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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