Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
