420 ftw
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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