awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize