i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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