Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
