Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
