You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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