Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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