I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
