So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
