someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
