Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Text me some of your sweat
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
