You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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