I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
