if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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