don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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