So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
