So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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