I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
