tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
