chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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