Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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