I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.