...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We're too hungover to prance.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment