My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same